D-U-M-B
Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:15 am
Time changed this week, which is okay, if you are into that. It would be so nice, if the people who do this, change the time, stop by and explain to this cat that it is FOUR IN THE MORNING, you see, he doesn’t seem to get it.
Bad week for me also, on Tuesday I set myself on fire with a 4” grinder. Yeah I know, “that sounds pretty incredible” but I swear it is the truth, and I have some burn scars and blisters to back it up. Evidently it behooves a person to watch where the sparks are flying?
Something I apparently neglected to do.
Let’s face it … Men do stooopid things. I have often heard stories of the dumb things men do that would curl the hair on the back of your neck. Like this one for instance. This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle… then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that eventually come freely flowing with the side splitting laughter). It concerns a Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife, and some knuckle-head that bought it for her. Some of you are already seeing where this is headed, for those who are not, read on.
Stop to consider this guy.
He saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop in Amarillo that sparked his interest. The occasion was his 15th anniversary and he was looking for a little something extra for his wife Margaret. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety … ‘WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, he buys the device and takes it home. He then loads two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! This was very disappointing. He learned, however, that if he pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; he would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, he has yet to explain to Margaret what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There he sat in his recliner, his cat Flu-Flu looking on intently (trusting little soul) while he read the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
For a minute second he actually thought about zapping Flu-Flu and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if he was going to give this thing to his wife to protect herself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was he wrong?
(Keeping in mind that most men are NEVER wrong)
So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while he is looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to himself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description.
He is sitting there alone, Flu-Flu looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. He then decides to give himself a one-second burst just for heck of it.
He then touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button … and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
At this point, the story gets rather hazy. I’m pretty sure he imagined that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked him and the cat up in the recliner, then body slammed them both on the carpet, over and over and over again. This would be the point in the story where he could vaguely recall waking up on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, his uh, uh, “baby makers” nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and a strange tingling sensation in his legs and lower extremities.
The cat was standing over him making strange meowing sounds that he had never heard before, licking his face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”
SON-OF-A- … That hurt like *##@#!*%!!! A minute or so later (being fairly sure that he can’t be exactly sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), he somehow collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
His bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and it appeared that his bottom lip now weighed 88 lbs.
All stories eventually end, same thing here. One last Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one word of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
It is often not easy being a man … “If you think Education is difficult … try being stupid … or just flat out D-U-M-B” Next week I will tell you the one about my “close encounter” with a floor polisher, but we have to wait until the kids are tucked in and asleep for that one.
As far as the taser? I understand that Margaret truly loved his gift, and regularly threatens him with it. And … If you are on the wrong end of a 4” grinder, by all means pay attention to where the sparks are flyin.
So what is the dumbest shop-stunt you ever pulled? Other than flippin the wrong rocker switch and dumping all the black water all over the place (that is another story).
Have a great weekend.
BCO
Bad week for me also, on Tuesday I set myself on fire with a 4” grinder. Yeah I know, “that sounds pretty incredible” but I swear it is the truth, and I have some burn scars and blisters to back it up. Evidently it behooves a person to watch where the sparks are flying?
Something I apparently neglected to do.
Let’s face it … Men do stooopid things. I have often heard stories of the dumb things men do that would curl the hair on the back of your neck. Like this one for instance. This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle… then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that eventually come freely flowing with the side splitting laughter). It concerns a Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife, and some knuckle-head that bought it for her. Some of you are already seeing where this is headed, for those who are not, read on.
Stop to consider this guy.
He saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop in Amarillo that sparked his interest. The occasion was his 15th anniversary and he was looking for a little something extra for his wife Margaret. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety … ‘WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, he buys the device and takes it home. He then loads two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! This was very disappointing. He learned, however, that if he pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; he would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, he has yet to explain to Margaret what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There he sat in his recliner, his cat Flu-Flu looking on intently (trusting little soul) while he read the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
For a minute second he actually thought about zapping Flu-Flu and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if he was going to give this thing to his wife to protect herself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was he wrong?
(Keeping in mind that most men are NEVER wrong)
So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while he is looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to himself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description.
He is sitting there alone, Flu-Flu looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. He then decides to give himself a one-second burst just for heck of it.
He then touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button … and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
At this point, the story gets rather hazy. I’m pretty sure he imagined that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked him and the cat up in the recliner, then body slammed them both on the carpet, over and over and over again. This would be the point in the story where he could vaguely recall waking up on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, his uh, uh, “baby makers” nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and a strange tingling sensation in his legs and lower extremities.
The cat was standing over him making strange meowing sounds that he had never heard before, licking his face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”
SON-OF-A- … That hurt like *##@#!*%!!! A minute or so later (being fairly sure that he can’t be exactly sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), he somehow collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
His bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and it appeared that his bottom lip now weighed 88 lbs.
All stories eventually end, same thing here. One last Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one word of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
It is often not easy being a man … “If you think Education is difficult … try being stupid … or just flat out D-U-M-B” Next week I will tell you the one about my “close encounter” with a floor polisher, but we have to wait until the kids are tucked in and asleep for that one.
As far as the taser? I understand that Margaret truly loved his gift, and regularly threatens him with it. And … If you are on the wrong end of a 4” grinder, by all means pay attention to where the sparks are flyin.
So what is the dumbest shop-stunt you ever pulled? Other than flippin the wrong rocker switch and dumping all the black water all over the place (that is another story).
Have a great weekend.
BCO