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D-U-M-B

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D-U-M-B
Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:15 am


Time changed this week, which is okay, if you are into that. It would be so nice, if the people who do this, change the time, stop by and explain to this cat that it is FOUR IN THE MORNING, you see, he doesn’t seem to get it.

Bad week for me also, on Tuesday I set myself on fire with a 4” grinder. Yeah I know, “that sounds pretty incredible” but I swear it is the truth, and I have some burn scars and blisters to back it up. Evidently it behooves a person to watch where the sparks are flying?

Something I apparently neglected to do.

Let’s face it … Men do stooopid things. I have often heard stories of the dumb things men do that would curl the hair on the back of your neck. Like this one for instance. This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle… then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that eventually come freely flowing with the side splitting laughter). It concerns a Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife, and some knuckle-head that bought it for her. Some of you are already seeing where this is headed, for those who are not, read on.

Stop to consider this guy.

He saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop in Amarillo that sparked his interest. The occasion was his 15th anniversary and he was looking for a little something extra for his wife Margaret. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety … ‘WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, he buys the device and takes it home. He then loads two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! This was very disappointing. He learned, however, that if he pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; he would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, he has yet to explain to Margaret what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There he sat in his recliner, his cat Flu-Flu looking on intently (trusting little soul) while he read the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

For a minute second he actually thought about zapping Flu-Flu and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if he was going to give this thing to his wife to protect herself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Was he wrong?

(Keeping in mind that most men are NEVER wrong)

So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while he is looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to himself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description.

He is sitting there alone, Flu-Flu looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. He then decides to give himself a one-second burst just for heck of it.

He then touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button … and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

At this point, the story gets rather hazy. I’m pretty sure he imagined that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked him and the cat up in the recliner, then body slammed them both on the carpet, over and over and over again. This would be the point in the story where he could vaguely recall waking up on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, his uh, uh, “baby makers” nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and a strange tingling sensation in his legs and lower extremities.

The cat was standing over him making strange meowing sounds that he had never heard before, licking his face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”

SON-OF-A- … That hurt like *##@#!*%!!! A minute or so later (being fairly sure that he can’t be exactly sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), he somehow collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

His bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and it appeared that his bottom lip now weighed 88 lbs.

All stories eventually end, same thing here. One last Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one word of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

It is often not easy being a man … “If you think Education is difficult … try being stupid … or just flat out D-U-M-B” Next week I will tell you the one about my “close encounter” with a floor polisher, but we have to wait until the kids are tucked in and asleep for that one.

As far as the taser? I understand that Margaret truly loved his gift, and regularly threatens him with it. And … If you are on the wrong end of a 4” grinder, by all means pay attention to where the sparks are flyin.

So what is the dumbest shop-stunt you ever pulled? Other than flippin the wrong rocker switch and dumping all the black water all over the place (that is another story).

Have a great weekend.

BCO
Last edited by BoxcarOkie on Sat Mar 20, 2010 7:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: D-U-M-B and D-U-M-B-E-R
Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:56 am


That did make me feel the pain and make me laugh at the same time!

My story goes like this. It happened pretty recent, cause that's the only one that comes to mind on short notice! ;)

Men are never wrong when it comes to directions!

My wife and I went to a mini bus rally a couple of weeks ago in Franklin TX. Abilene to the rally was only 264 miles. I had studied the maps on Google and we had our trusty GPS all powered up and ready to go.

I was excited to finally get to drive the bus, it had been 5 months since we had taken a trip of any kind. We left on a Thursday morning. I had to stop and feed the beast at the most convenient, easy to get in and out of fueling station, and hit the road. I had entered all the information into "Lucy" and pushed "GO", so we were all set.

We headed out of Abilene and "Lucy" kept saying "Make a legal U turn". I ignored her and stayed on the course I had set in my mind. I kept thinking she'll get the message and recalculate the route. HA, I'll show her!

My wife kept saying, "Maybe we should listen to her". I said "I checked the route and we are heading in the right direction". I told myself "I know what I'm doing", with a feeling of "Just watch and see".

Everyone knows how big Texas is right! Well let me tell you, we saw parts of Texas that we had never seen before, and "Lucy" kept saying after we had driven about 100 miles, "Please make a legal U turn". "Please go to the nearest mapped road"....

We arrived about 2 hours later than anticipated! I said "See, I knew we would make it"!

We had a great relaxing time, lots of food and stories to share and listen too. Met some new bus nuts.

On the return trip, I plugged "Lucy" in and fired her up and set the destination, Abilene TX. I told Becky, "I'm going to follow her directions, no matter what". She didn't say a word!

We made it home and had only driven about 100 miles shorter than on the trip down. I told Becky, "See, I knew we would make it". You know the feeling, "Lucy and I are both correct" I muttered to myself.

We plugged in, hooked up and ready for a good nights sleep. My wife tells me, "Good job Honey". I said, "I think we need a new GPS with current maps".

"Good night Sweetie"......"Good night Babe".
Becky & Paul Lawry
Dreamscape
1968 Eagle 01 #7443
Silver 8V92 HT 740

Dreamscape Eagle Travel Blog: https://dreamscapetravels.wordpress.com/

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Re: D-U-M-B
Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:21 am


Directions !!!! Thats My Bad.

How About The Time I Was In Quartzsite. :shock:
With All The Rain Some Of The Roads Were Washed Out.

I Talked To Sonja About The Best Way To Leave And She Told Me !! Well..I Said..Yea,Yea,Yea...Sure...OK.

Well Wouldnt You Know It !!!!. I Went The Way She Told Me Not To Go... :oops: :oops:

Come-On......Cindy My GPS Would Surely Know The Road Was Closed... :shock: If It Was :roll:

After Leaving The Q...We Drove & Drove And Drove Somemore..... I Was Almost Where I Was Suppost To Turn 5 Or So Miles From Destination...The Signs Read.......
ROAD CLOSED !!!! :( :o :shock: :oops:
I Thought About Just Running The Sign...But, There Was A Guard Or Something Standing There Handing Out Directions On Small Pieces Of Paper.....

U-Turn.....And All The Way Back To The Q To Start Over :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: Well There Went 200 Miles :oops: :oops:

OK....Now We Are Back Going The RIGHT...Wrong Way.

Another 100 Miles...And BLAM !!! Two Blow Outs !!! A Grand+ Later And About 8 Hours.. We Were At The Super 8 :twisted:

All This Caused By Not Listening :oops: :oops:

From Now On Im Listening To Every Word That Comes Out Of Sonjas Mouth...And Not Cindys.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I Didnt Even Listen To The Voices In My Head Saying.....
Check The Air Pressure..You BIG Dummy :oops: :oops:

I Know This Isnt About The Shop....But,I Cant Think Of Any Funny Shop Stories.

JOHN
John & Stephanie
1972 Silver Eagle 05 8V71 4 Speed Man.(TRAILWAYS)
1984 Eagle 10 45 Foot... 60 Series / B500
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Re: D-U-M-B
Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:21 pm


That is even funnier than the time I sprayed myself with a mace/cs spray. Ooops
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Re: D-U-M-B
Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:54 pm


Since we're bored, here's a favorite of mine! I hope I've cleaned it up enough that nobody gets offended.

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska anymore, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry -@#%&ing- Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B@#%& is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Joe Laird
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Sioux Falls, SD
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Re: D-U-M-B
Sat Mar 20, 2010 7:10 pm


That was a good one Joe! I laughed so hard I had tears! :lol:
Becky & Paul Lawry
Dreamscape
1968 Eagle 01 #7443
Silver 8V92 HT 740

Dreamscape Eagle Travel Blog: https://dreamscapetravels.wordpress.com/

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Re: D-U-M-B and D-U-M-B-E-R
Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:24 am


[quote="Dreamscape"]That did make me feel the pain and make me laugh at the same time!

Paul: Snowing like you would not believe, isn’t it great? Plan on slinking out to the drivers lounge and putting some MP3 playlists together for the Black Hills thang this summer. Not going to tote a bunch of CD’s with me on this trip.

But I digress.

For some reason (possibly because I am dyed in the wool Old School) I just cannot bring myself around to trusting a GPS device. Having looked at several “trucker models” in the past year, I still am reluctant to purchase one, just don’t want to give up my trusty Rand McNally Atlas.

Now the wife will be quick to tell you that I get lost all of the time, but that isn’t exactly true. I do however, get powerfully confused at times, but I have NEVER been lost.

No sir, just isn’t in my playbook.

BCO
Last edited by BoxcarOkie on Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: D-U-M-B
Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:26 am


John: As I mentioned before, just cannot find myself capable of trusting the new technology at this time, most likely will never adapt to it, but that is just me. I am sticking with the maps, or at best, stopping every now and then and making inquiries of a local.

BCO
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Re: D-U-M-B
Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:45 am


[quote="akroyaleagle"]Since we're bored, here's a favorite of mine! I hope I've cleaned it up enough that nobody gets offended.

What will go wrong, will go ... oh well, you know what I mean Dontcha? I often wondered about folks who live in high snow areas, how they made it through, now I am informed. I would be a prime candidate for Cabin Fever for sure.

BCO
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Re: D-U-M-B
Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:50 am


DeBar wrote:That is even funnier than the time I sprayed myself with a mace/cs spray. Ooops


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEyow!

You win the prize!

No more phone calls we have a winner.

hahahahahahahaha

BCO
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