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Tools Defined

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Tools Defined
Sat Feb 06, 2010 10:54 pm


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had just carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in less time than it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents ! Such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a B*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Becky & Paul Lawry
Dreamscape
1968 Eagle 01 #7443
Silver 8V92 HT 740

Dreamscape Eagle Travel Blog: https://dreamscapetravels.wordpress.com/

Dreamscape Build Blog: https://dreamscapesilvereagle.wordpress.com/
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Dreamscape
 
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Location: Full Timing - On The Road


Re: Tools Defined
Sun Feb 07, 2010 9:51 am


That was great Paul, my experience tells me that most of them were pretty accurate. My brother Tony had quite of few of the "son of a b*tch" tools, they were usually in the form of a hammer because when things are not going the way you want them to, one usually has a hammer in hand already...imagine that. :shock: :o :o :shock:
Daniel Lenz
Brownsville, Texas


The work of an unknown good man is like a vein of water flowing hidden underground, secretly making the ground greener.
SmoothJazz
 
Posts: 390
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:49 pm
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Re: Tools Defined
Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:28 am


It's amazing how we are still alive! I've even created a few new vocabulary workds myself! :lol:

I guess I didn't work hard enough at it, I still have all my digits! ;)
Becky & Paul Lawry
Dreamscape
1968 Eagle 01 #7443
Silver 8V92 HT 740

Dreamscape Eagle Travel Blog: https://dreamscapetravels.wordpress.com/

Dreamscape Build Blog: https://dreamscapesilvereagle.wordpress.com/
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Dreamscape
 
Posts: 3021
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:03 pm
Location: Full Timing - On The Road


Re: Tools Defined
Sun Feb 07, 2010 11:25 am


Have you been snooping around in my shop? :lol:
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rusty
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Re: Tools Defined
Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:23 pm


There's one missing though... The Radial Arm Saw -- the tool that rips the piece of aluminum from your hand, and flings it across the street into the neighbors pine tree.

It took us two weeks to find that piece of aluminum!!

LOL

Cindy
Cindy
1988 - 15 - SunChaser
http://www.webcove.com/eagle/
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SunChaserCindy
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Re: Tools Defined
Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:45 pm


Thats Soooo Funny Cindy !!!

Im Not Sure My Back OR Front Can Take Much More Of This OVER The Top Humor !!!

Hey I Got An Idea......

We Could All Go On Tour And Perform On Stage As The......
Travling EAGLES !!!!

We Will Be Famous

LOL !!!

JOHN 8-)
John & Stephanie
1972 Silver Eagle 05 8V71 4 Speed Man.(TRAILWAYS)
1984 Eagle 10 45 Foot... 60 Series / B500
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MrBreeze
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